DOs and DON'Ts when someone is venting to you

Raised in a society where the education around mental health and mental disorders is poor and not really available to all, we find ourselves harming those already suffering by phrases and sentences we think are comforting but are the farthest from that.

1. Don’t say, “why do you have depression/anxiety/etc.?”

Trust me, if someone is aware of the reason for their suffering, their journey to healing would almost be done. To elaborate, if someone is officially diagnosed with depression, anxiety, BPD or whatever disorder, they go to therapy (more often than not) to find out about why they’re suffering. This is not to say that certain events in our lives do not trigger our disorders, but this is to say that asking this question provokes the thought of confusion. It’s hard to not know the answers to questions that are about you.

There are questions we shouldn’t ask if we’re nothing but acquaintances or friends: questions that are direct and require an answer that we have to delve in deep for. Maybe you can ask instead about what they need you to do.

2. Ask whether they want comfort or solutions.

More often than not, people vent to let weight off their chest. Hearing unsolicited advice may make them feel helpless, especially if they’ve tried implementing these solutions before. Maybe you can ask if they want comfort, solutions or both to make things clear.

3. Don’t say, “you should be grateful; some people have it way worse.”

While for sure and certain gratefulness is an element of utmost importance in happy life, this is not a situation to be grateful for. This sentence gaslights the person who is suffering and leads them into thinking that they’re overreacting or overlooking their privilege. Some people do indeed have it worse, but this doesn’t make us feel any better.

4. Tell them you love them.

Love is powerful; it really is. You, as a listener, don’t have to know the solutions and the steps to healing - at all. Telling them you love them, period.

5. Don’t be a listener if you’re not ready.

Being a listener is a responsibility, we know this. The thing is, you shouldn’t listen to someone’s troubles on the behalf of your own. If you are not okay, you don’t have to listen to the misery of others. That’s okay. We need to start asking if someone has the space to listen to us before talking.

Honest and open communication are also principles we should practise in all our relationships and friendships. Our friendships shouldn’t take away from our mental health.